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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 12, 2013 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

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that's not whacking off that's whistling. this teenager had more climaxes than the bourn identity. of course his favorite film will always be die hard. his mother is keeping his bedroom as it was, and miss favorite towel is still standing where he left it. she said his sheets had an 800 thread count, and a 4 billion sperm count. his last words were "i'll be out in a second." he was so dehydrated when he had his last orgasm a flak shot out of his dick with the word sperm on it. let's squeeze one out for our dead homey. roast in peace, captain numb nuts all you have on your hands now is time. that's our season, see you soon. but not too soon.
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what's your name. >> i'm katie. >> what is your name. >> sean. >> and you are boyfriend and girlfriend or something? where did you meet? meet harmony? >> he has stretch marks on his lips. [laughter] >> my aunt donna is a therapist, she thinks she will get fired if she is on t.v., and here is my uncle joe who molested me when i was 15. >> thank you. thank you. >> hey, rob, go after this meek can eddie muenster, right here. >> what's up? now what do you think you say to your little brother? >> oh. >> what's the varsity jacket for? which sport? cut a hole in the end fencing? >> you have a date for valentines day, buddy? >> your mom. >> we have something in common
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then, that's cool. >> i'm going to [bleep] your mom, you get it? >> enough with the bread already. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon captioning sponsored by comedy central ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. [cheers and applause] thank you very much. we've got a show for you tonight. let me tell you something about tonight. our guest tonight mike piazza, the greatest hitting catcher of all time! all time! [cheers and applause] yoga berra, the greatest of all time. his name in english means mike
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townsquare. [ laughter ] doesn't get any better from here, folks. [laughter] lower those expectations if you would. [ laughter ] listen an hour or so ago because i president obama wrapped up the first second term state of union address. we'll bring you complete team coverage there tomorrow. [ laughter ] spoiler alert there the state of the union, you know, fine. [ laughter ] you know, cumsecumsa. just this morning we were reminded about how these plea planned political events could be equipped. evil threatens our very dem cinch after my interview with
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former vice president dick cheney. >> jon: yeah! you thought i was talking about north korea nuke test. no, no, no my brother. [ laughter ] it's former vice president and professional frown hoarder richard p. cheney showed up on tv this morning. he doesn't have a new book, probably just promoting his new movie zero dark thirty. feel good picture of year. makes the dentist seen in marathon man look like a tickle fight. i give it four. why are we wasting our bandwith on this guy. what he is doing killing time while he is having his house repix lated. >> you think this president is weakening america? >> yes i, do. >> the obama administration if they were listening to you now as they will. >> i doubt it.
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[ laughter ] >> jon: you know, it's funny there's a saying every time dick cheney laughs, an angel gets stabbed in the (bleep). [ laughter ] i don't think we have a visual for that but -- [laughter] sorry former vice president you were criticizing. >> the administration's policies are terribly flawed. the president came to power with a world view that is fundamentally different. the president has made choices in part based on people who won't argue with him. he wanted to reduce u.s. influence in the world. he wanted to take us down a peg. >> jon: cheney is confident in his opinions and analysis i guess by forgetting that he sucked at this. like he was the (bleep). even if obama wanted to take our
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standing in the world down a peg, i couldn't because the bush administration left him with no peg room. he could have invested in deep sea peg hole drilling technology but unfortunately he can't afford to because the previous administration left us in a bit of a cash crunch and by previous administration i mean these (bleep). here is what i want to know -- where with the confident criticism in the thing where he did get the balls and please don't say cadavers. remember this, mr. vice president? >> there's no doubt that saddam hussein has weapons of mass destruction. >> jon: not only there are there no jobs there were no weapons. >> we'll be greeted as liberators. >> jon: we were not. >> i think they are in the last throes of the insurgency. >> jon: turns out the beginning to the middle of throes.
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there's quite a few throes. they were pretty much the chief export after that. this guy was wrong every time, every time he analyzed it he was wrong. you try that at work and see if you keep your job and be wrong every (bleep) time. there's no doubt you have ovarian cysts. i'm a man, wa, wa. there's no doubt. i am sure you need tires. there's no doubt we have information that you need, wah, new tires, wah. really because it's a boat! why would be listen to that guy? back in the world that matters. >> just hours ago seismic activity equivalent to a 4.9 magnitude. >> quake was detected in north korea. >> jon: oh, my god it knocked out power to the entire region. that's incredible. okay i'm told that's how it always looks ax apparently north
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korea doesn't have a lot of light. anyway that's a pretty big earthquake there. i hope it wasn't near north korea's nuclear sites -- wait a minute. >> north korea set off a new underground nuclear test that happened today. >> jon: oh, no, pogasari has awoken. it's alive! [laughter] you probably thinking, you know, jon, that genre of giant radioactive lizard monsters is really japanese, totally different culture. well take this it was a north korea lizard. and it somehow came in contact with blood and grew. laugh all you want but it made
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big wands in north koreaal. it's amazing what mandatory fill am tendance did do for the box office. i'm sure the bomb isn't that technology logically advanced. >> the north koreas claim they did it a smaller device perhaps meaning they made progress in minimum tourizing nuclear weapons. oh, no the bomb is smaller. hold on -- >> jon: that is supposed to care us. even know minimum tourizing things makes them more adore yafnl mini snickers, mini horses, mini cooper. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] you know, i was thinking about the car but a mini anderson cooper is really -- i bet a ritz cracker would be a whole meal for them. he could cover massive snow storms. report on the inauguration of
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america's first mouse president. look at him. [ laughter ] what are we talking about here? oh, north korea and their nuclear weapons. what could they do to us? >> perhaps meaning that they have made progress in minimum tourizing nuclear weapons that could be put on the top of ballistic missiles that could ultimately threaten the united states. [laughter] >> jon: (bleep) that's depressing. i wish i had something to cheer me up there. is that mini anderson cooper b)%p
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>> jon: welcome back. when a news story falls through the cracks, lewis black covers it for a segment we call "black in black -- back in black." >> the gun debate has been raging for a long time. it's hard to say when it started but i'm going to go with right around the invention of the gods. [cheers and applause] and everybody has an opinion including america's foremost
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experts on the subject, our celebrities. and they are chiming in from both the left and the right. >> i'm a good neighbor, i have a nice clean borderline but if you cross it i'll kill you. >> note to self, cross old man nugent's place off my girl scout cookie delivery list. why are we asking random celebrities about this issue anyway when we should be asking more qualified people, our action heros. >> sylvester stallone now supports a new federal assault weapons ban saying quote "like really unless you are carrying out an assault, you can't hunt with it who is going to attack your house an expletive army. >> a what army? a (bleep) army, an ass-wipe
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army? is it a penis army? [laughter] because if a penis army is attacking my house, i want to know. trust me, i know all their weak spots. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but kudos to stallone for speaking out against guns, and by the way don't miss his new movie "bullet to the head" in theaters now. it's like rhinestone but with bullets to the head. but sylvester stallone isn't the only actor promoting a new movie who has views on gun control. >> i think that you can't start to pick apart any of -- anything out of the bill of rights without thinking that it's all going be become undone. if you take one out or change one law then why wouldn't they take all your rights away from you. >> right, in the same way if you
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take away die hard 2, die hard 3 is just a confusing series of explosives. so that's one for, one against, any other action stars want to step up and settle this? >> hi, i'm chuck norris a black belt pate rovment if some thug breaks into my home, can i use any roundhouse kick but i prefer to use the barrel of my gun. >> just to be clear according to chuck norris he could use the roundhouse kick to protect his own but he prefers to shoot a man in the face. by the way, chuck, you are 72 years old. at this point the most lethal part of the roundhouse kick is the fart that comes out when you lift your leg. [laughter] how did chuck norris sneak into this debate anyway? can we go any further down on
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the action star food chain? >> right now we have armed guns at jewelry stores and all kinds of other establishments that have money. but the greatest treasure we have is our children. >> i never thought i would say this but steven seagal's older, fatter israeli brother is right. [ laughter ] how does he suggest we save our children? >> actor steven seagal is a trained weapons expert and law enforcement veteran of 20 years. today he helped sheriff joe arpaio and the maricopa county swat team train volunteer posse members to take down an active gunman in a sim lighted shooting. >> steven seagal, sheriff joe arpaio, an untrained posse, what
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could go right? i suppose everybody is entitled to their opinion but in the end they are doing what entertainers do best, providing us with a pleasant distraction from the fact that our actual lawmakers aren't doing (bleep) about this problem. [cheers and applause] in the meantime, if some thug breaks into my house, i'm going to deal with it the same way i always do, by hiding under my covers and pretending i don't speak english.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight 12-time all star major league baseball player and most home runs by a catcher. his new book is called "long shot." please welcome to the program mike piazza. [cheers and applause] have a seat, my man.
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[cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> jon: how are you? >> good. >> jon: congratulations on everything. >> thank you. >> jon: including the book "long shot." here is what you don't realize he was not a sure shot for the major leagues. you were drafted -- what was your draft position? >> the 62 hnd round. >> 12 teams stopped drafting. [ laughter ] it wasn't a big pride booster coming in. >> jon: did you guess -- you were waiting by the phone and nothing range or you were, you knew it wasn't going to happen. you were going to get a tryout. >> i got a telegram three days after the draft. >> jon: really? >> oh, by the way it was selected. believe it or not i was elated but again, i realized at this time it was a big mountain climb. >> jon: not only do you climb it, more home runs than any catcher in him.
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.308 batting average. the best hitting catcher bar none in major league history. [cheers and applause] ridiculous. >> it was a great run. >> jon: and almost the more phenomenal aspect of it is that you did most of that or an all of lot of that as an new york met. [ laughter ] and as you and i both know, usually when you go to the mets, you break a femur, -- >> you get arrested. >> jon: your arm falls off. it's the thing. if you do go to the hall of fame, and i think you will go to the hall of fame. this is your first time being eligible and you got 50% are you going as a met or dodger? >> i would think the mets. [cheers and applause] i talk about that a lot. you know, i came up with the dodgers and i i was fortunate going to the minor leagues because of their tradition
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coached by roy campnella and don driesdale sandy cofax. his a lot of advantage coming up with the dodgers. >> jon: if you had come up with the mets you could have been coached by mookie, the mookster. he was actually good. eddie martin could have thrown stuff your way. [laughter] nobody got in. no modern player got in because of steroid cloud. now, you can't win with that. if you deny doing it nobody believes you and if you say you did it then everybody -- why write the book? >> i wrote the book because i think i had a really cool story. i felt like his to address it in the era i played in and i d. a lot of reaction was when the hall vote happened and no one going on they were like he has to talk about it and then i came
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out with the book and they are like what he is talking about it for. he has to say something. what is he doing this for? needs the money. >> jon: ngo no, he didn't. >> it's not a money thing. >> jon: he had a good contract. >> i did. >> jon: did the guys know in that era was it ubiquitous. you said in the book greenies am fete means, create teen, a couple of protein shakes a lice of stuff. everybody seemed to push including that point up to the point at least of legal yament. did the guys know, was it an open secret of who was over that line? >> not in my clubhouse. all the clubhouses i played in were pretty -- as far as the game goes pretty clean as far as rumors. if you put it in historical perspective the game was
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changing. guys were really just lifting weights in general and getting bigger and going to the gym. when i first came up you don't lift weights you'll get muscle bound. the swing will slow down. guys bought bigger and realized you could hit home runs. culturally it was changing. once you saw the records compromised people were getting a little -- >> jon: did you make a conscious choice. did you make a conscious choice to say but i won't do -- was that conscious or never really -- not like people -- >> of course it was conscious. at the time it was like, when you hit the gym it's funny like the -- i remember as a kid dynamic tension and i started lifting and realizing -- >> jon: you and i both. i was on everything. everything! [laughter] it didn't do anything. >> some guys bellies get on
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steroids, too. >> jon: is it texting? do you understand it -- do you understand why some guys. think about the contract you got. do you understand why some guys do it? >> i obviously could understand why from a financial perspective but it does shall for me it was compromising the speg great of the game. at least major league baseball was able to address it. in this they've been really proactive at being in the forefront. they have hgh testing this year. >> jon: unfortunately it's still out there. this whole thing in florida with the steroids and a lot of guys getting caught up. >> as i tried to write the book sometimes being a professional athlete isn't a healthy life. you blow out knees, tear ligament. you weave in the and out of those, not just steroids, pain killers, obviously brett farve
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talked about that. again, do you have to make a conscious effort toll really take care of yourself and not fall into the exserks you know. >> jon: people don't think about the long term consequences. big contract little --ses a contradiction. the book is called "long shot." it's an interesting story. i don't get a vote in the hall of fame but i should and i vote you in no matter what. i don't care what happens.